WANT A BETTER RELATIONSHIP? WORK ON
COLLABORATIVE COMMUNICATION
COMMUNICATION BETWEEN COUPLES, LOVE,
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, RELATIONSHIPS
Many people have only heard the term “collaborative
communication” used in the context of company culture and teamwork. It’s
basically defined as a method of exchanging information that helps people work
toward a common goal. Yet, it’s not just businesses that reap the rewards of
this type of relating.
Studies have shown that couples who practiced
collaborative communication experienced more overall relationship satisfaction.
When you get into the steps of collaborative communication, it’s clear how it
can be a powerful tool for improving interpersonal relationships. Here, I break
down what it entails and why it makes such a difference to the quality of a
relationship.
WHAT IS COLLABORATIVE COMMUNICATION?
Collaborative communication does not just refer to the
words that come out of our mouths. Rather, it encompasses all the intricate
ways we communicate through tone, expression, body signals, etc. Most of us
aren’t even aware of all the messages we send on both verbal and non-verbal
levels. Many conflicts between couples arise from misreads, misunderstandings,
and lapses in our communication.
In order for two people with two completely different
minds and two complex personal histories to live harmoniously, there needs to be
a certain amount of balance and understanding. Collaborative communication
offers a pathway to achieve just that by helping people become more aware of
all the ways they communicate and guiding them to make an effort to align
themselves with the other person in order to achieve a shared understanding.
HOW CAN WE CULTIVATE COLLABORATIVE
COMMUNICATION IN OUR CLOSEST RELATIONSHIPS?
Communicating collaboratively means taking actions
that draw our partner out and trying to understand an interaction from their
perspective. Our goal is to align our state with theirs, so we get a fuller
picture of their experience separate from our own. When we do this, we often
have to fight our own impulses to come from a more reactive, defensive, or
combative place in ourselves.
Successful collaborative communication further focuses
on how we can express our own perspective in a manner where we are more likely
to be heard by our partner. Enhancing our ability to communicate with more
vulnerability, openness, and empathy, creates more trust in the relationship.
Couples can form much stronger connections where each person feels known and
understood by the other.
The specific techniques we can work on to achieve this
type of communication with a partner include:
Becoming a better, more attuned, and less defensive
listener
In order to be on the same team, we have to work on
our listening skills. Tuning in to our partner and aligning our state with
theirs is crucial. We can do this by really hearing them out without
interrupting or arguing with their perspective. This doesn’t mean we have to
agree with everything they say, but our goal in this moment is to understand
where they’re coming from as best we can, putting ourselves in their shoes, and
empathizing with their unique experience. This is part of creating a shared
understanding.
Separating our past from the present
In order to press pause on our immediate reactions,
especially those that are exaggeratedly emotional or defensive, we have to do
some reflecting on why we get triggered by certain interactions. Some of us get
set off by a partner’s exasperated expression or instructive tone. Others feel
provoked by hearing a series of complaints or getting any sort of feedback.
Understanding that both what we hear and how we react
during conflict is influenced by the lens of our past helps us recognize that
what we’re reacting to in real time isn’t always fully to blame for the big
feelings that get stirred inside us. The more we get to know and recognize our
triggers, the more we can resist falling victim to them. Rather than blindly
following our flared up reactions, we can be mindful and choose how we want to
respond to our partner
Expressing ourselves in ways that allow our partner to
know and feel for us
Our tendency to feel like we need to protect ourselves
often leaves us using more defensive or combative language. Instead, we should
focus on expressing how we think and feel in a way that doesn’t lay blame on
the other person but rather invites them to know and feel for us. For example,
instead of saying “You never listen to me. You only care about what you want,”
you could say “I feel hurt when I don’t feel listened to. I really appreciate
when you take time to hear me out and take my feelings into consideration.”
REPAIRING AFTER RUPTURES IN COMMUNICATION
Let’s face it, we all make mistakes and are bound to
have moments when we’re not at our best (to say the least) with the people we
care most about. The best thing we can do to get back on the same team is to
repair. Acknowledge what took place, accept responsibility for your part in it,
and try to find a more balanced way to communicate your thoughts, feelings,
wants, or needs. Listening to our partner’s experience of the rupture is also
essential. Making space for them to express their perspective helps them feel
heard and allows for healing.
Communicating feedback in ways that lead to closeness
rather than distance
Naturally, our partner is not going to be perfect, and the point of collaborative communication is not to take on everything as our fault or responsibility. We aren’t aiming to gloss over the ways we may feel hurt by our partner, but rather for each of us to take a turn and fully express ourselves and feel heard, seen, and attuned to.
Calming ourselves down may mean taking five minutes to
separate and be by ourselves, trying a meditation or breathing exercise, going
for a walk, or spending time outdoors. Finding the tools that work for us to
get calm before we approach our partner is an endeavor that benefits everyone.
READ MORE ABOUT TECHNIQUES TO TRY WHEN
YOU’RE OVERWHELMED WITH ANGER.
The aim of each of these approaches is to develop a
shared understanding with our partner that keeps us feeling close and on the
same team. The more we can gain insight and empathy into a partner’s
perspective and share our own thoughts and feelings with honesty and
vulnerability, the more we can truly know and be known by our partner. This
gives the relationship more authenticity and creates a stronger foundation for
dealing with any hardships that come our way.